I heard that song the other day and it stopped me in my tracks. I think I listened to it about 10 times in a row. And of course it got me to thinking…
We have certainly walked through some hard days in the years since losing Dirk. The healing of broken hearts, regardless of the age, is not an easy path, and the age difference in my kids has sort of had us all over the place on this road called grief. All of the kids have handled it differently and to be transparent, there have been times when I have been at a total loss as to how to help them navigate through it because my heart was still hurting too. But here we are…almost four years later. FOUR years. How have we gone four years without hearing his laugh, seeing him smile, listening to him sing and fill our home with music. Four years since he told a corny joke that made us all roll our eyes and laugh at the same time. Four years since he planned surprise trips because there was somewhere that the kids “just had to go see.” Four years since he waited until the week of Christmas to start shopping, and stayed up all night on Christmas Eve to wrap presents to put under the tree that would be opened just hours later. Four years since his eyes lit up when he came home from a fishing trip and told us all about the fish he caught. Four years since he called me from Ohio to tell me whether or not he saw in deer while sitting in a tree stand looking for that “next big one”. Four years since he called me Lari, rather than Lori, because he knew it drove me crazy and he loved to irritate me! There are a thousand things we miss. There are so many memories we hold close to our hearts that help us get through the days when we are missing him most.
After we lost Dirk we each had our own path to healing. We have learned through therapy that grief is a road that never ends, but we are learning how to reframe things so we can remember the good times, celebrate who Dirk was, and be thankful for the time that we were blessed to walk through life with him. We really were the lucky ones. Luke, Rylie, Kendyl and I knew him differently than anyone else and that is a gift that I will forever be grateful for. Many people THINK they knew him, but they knew what he wanted them to know. We knew the secrets of his heart and those are treasures to us.
For a long time, I felt like I couldn’t talk about Dirk. I was made to feel that by honoring him publicly that it would be disrespectful to the new someone in my life. I bought into that lie unfortunately, and so I grieved privately, I held my emotions in, and did my best to let everyone think that all was ok. But it wasn’t. Mostly it wasn’t ok for my children.
My children needed to see their father honored. My children needed to talk about their dad and hear stories about him without fear of making someone mad or hurting someone else’s feelings. My children needed to be able to learn that loving, honoring, and keeping their dad’s memory alive in no way diminished love for someone new. We will always honor Dirk. He deserves that.
All the kids have had their own unique journey of grieving. Luke lost a man who loved and raised him as if he was HIS OWN. Dirk never one time, NEVER ONE TIME, treated Luke as if he was anything except his. He never called Luke his stepson. Luke was always, his SON. Luke was never left out. If anything, at times Dirk went out of his way to make sure Luke knew that he CHOSE to love him when he didn’t have to. Dirk perfectly demonstrated what it looked like to love someone who wasn’t born with his DNA & someone who didn’t carry his last name. He loved Luke so effortlessly and I will FOREVER be grateful for that. He, and his entire family, loved my son so well. Luke had the most time with Dirk and therefore made losing him difficult. I won’t speak on that much because that is Luke’s story to tell, but one thing I know for sure, Luke loved Dirk in return just as much as he received Dirk’s love. As a momma, it was beautiful watch their relationship and it has been equally difficult to watch Luke mourn over the loss of it.
The girls miss Dirk so much. At times, they will say “momma, I can’t remember what Daddy sounded like.” I know that is their cue for me to play them one of the songs he wrote that we have recorded. Sometimes, they just need to hear their daddy sing to them. Now when they hear his voice there are more smiles instead of tears. And now when we talk about him, there is more laughter and less crying. The one constant is that no matter what, Dirk is so missed. He always will be.
For me, anything that involves the kids is always bittersweet. Anytime we celebrate an accomplishment, a good grade, learning a new skill, or they play a new sport…it never fails, I always cry. It’s not an ugly cry that has me weeping and unable to function, but rather it is usually just a single tear that falls down my cheeks. And every single time, those tears are for what Dirk is missing and because the girls don’t have their dad their to be their cheerleader, supporter and encourager. He would have loved these years with them. He loved being a dad. No matter how exciting an occasion is, no matter how great of a moment it is, his absence is and always will be noticed. He should be here to celebrate them and to congratulate them, to kiss them goodnight, to read to them, to hug them and to tell them how proud he is of them. But he’s not here, and during these moments, my heart grieves for my girls because of what they are missing. I grieve for them all the things that a girl is supposed to get to do with a daddy and they will not ever get to do with theirs.
We visit the graveside on occasion. Luke goes more often than any of us. The girls really don’t like to go. They don’t share why and I don’t press them on the reason. When we do go, they usually say a few words to Dirk, & Kendyl always arranges the flowers. Rylie usually just says “hey daddy.” As for me, well there’s not been one time that I have been to his grave that I haven’t cried. I cry for a life that was cut too short. I cry for all three of my children who miss their dad. I cry because the world is just not the same without him in it.
This year as the anniversary of his death is approaching, God has reminded me of just how faithful He has been to us as we have walked this road. It has been hard for sure, it has had it’s moments of sadness, anger, frustration, and desperation. But is has also been full of JOY and peace and provision. There have been challenges and struggles that we have faced in our little family that only Jesus and my therapist (GOD bless his soul) know about. Some of them I honest to goodness thought would be the thing that pushed me over the edge, LOL. But God, He is so faithful. I know it is only because of HIM that we are okay. Even though we miss Dirk, we are ok. Even though we have had sickness, sadness, death, and evil schemes and lies of the enemy, we really are ok. We are ok because there is a comforter who loves us and cares for us.
No matter what happens we are choosing to stand on THE truth.
“This is the Truth I’m standing on, even when all my strength is gone. You are faithful forever and I know you’ll never let me fall. Right now I’m choosing to believe, someday soon I’ll look back and see, all the pain had a purpose, Your plan was perfect all along. This is the TRUTH I’m standing on.
My life, my shield, my firm foundation. I know I will not be shaken. You remind me where my help comes from. This is the TRUTH I’m standing on, even when all my strength is gone.”
I don’t know why God chose us to walk this road, and I have no idea what He has planned for our future. But I do know HIS plan is perfect, and that TRUTH is good enough for me to stand on.
We honor Dirk, we celebrate Dirk. I am so thankful that he loved us and that we got the chance to love him. He was a wonderful father to all three of my children. I hope he is doing all of his favorite things in heaven! Here are some of our favorite pictures of him doing some of those favorite things!
Painfully Broken, Beautifully Restored 